Do you ever
feel blank within, you want to write like I do but just feel really blank you
can’t get your words together. But in your mind you have it there but feel like
you just don't know the words to put in writing.
A lot of
people see me and think I have my life all figured out. Well! I don't. There
you have it I’m sure some of you feel shocked to learn and hear this. Just like
you, I'm hurt and upset about a lot of things in life. Why don't I have my life
all figured out like most people I know. Why do I have to get to the point of
losing it before something happens?
Couple of
weeks ago, I was at my desk at work and just went blank for couple of mins. I
felt the kind of emptiness I have never experienced. I was scared, panicking and
worried for no particular reason. I looked out the window and next thing I
realized I had tears stroll down my cheeks. Meanwhile I was at my desk at work
with calls, email and posts to attend to and there I was having a Nervous
Breakdown! I was upset this was happening to me. The last time I felt this way was
3 years ago and I remember having so much negative thoughts running through my
mind. But then I remembered my family, the dreams and things I hoped life would
offer me and knew I had to be strong and I did.
But then the
feelings came again and I was even more scared coz I didn't like the dark place
those feelings took me to, didn't want to be back there. I almost told my
manager I needed to take the day off. But I didn’t for these reasons.
1. I
didn't want to look weak in front of anyone, if you have never met anyone that
hides their emotions and feelings. Trust me I’m perfect at it. I could laugh
and smile all day and would definitely know I’m crying myself to sleep but will
still look like nothing was wrong.
2. I
have bills to pay! Yes bills. Do you know what it feels like to live alone in
another country without your family and not want to depend on no one. That’s my
Life! lol
3. My
family! I knew going home would only trigger more dark images and I didn’t want
to be there.
I sat at my
desk and cried for almost 10 mins, you know that really silent tears, that’s my
thing. I’m sure I created that and could get an award for "World Most
Silent crier! Lol
I didn't
want to send my mum a message on whatsapp saying how I felt as the last thing I
wanted, was for her to be stressed out knowing I was sad and upset. I love her
too much not to want to make her worry about me that way. I finally summoned
the courage to send a friend of mine a message, She has turned out to be like
my sister over the years, we share some very weird conversations and I just sit
and laugh sometimes.
I know these
moments don’t last forever; it’s a phase and I know I will get through it, but
hate how it makes me feel. I am never cranky or moody around people or take my
emotions out on them, Never!. I don't take it out on anyone coz they didn't put
me in that situation so why get rude and speak to them in the way I will feel
bad about which is why everyone things I have a happy and perfect fairy-tale
life and like being around me, well that's what they make me think. Lol.
When you do
that you push good people around you away, coz just like yourself you do not
know what they are going through. The fact that they are smiling and look happy
doesn't mean they don't have their own hurdles they are going through.
I'm 28 ( even though I pass for 22 Hehe) and I
am certainly sure that most people my age go through these also, so I know I’m
not alone.
Just learn
to be around positive and honest people and trust me you one step closer to
recovery. I will not give you the answers as I am also searching for them, we
can all go on an adventure in search of the answers though. Lol. Who’s up for it?
Note: I feel happier now, I had this in my draft but never had to courage to post it, but thought. why not!